Creative Conflicts - Latest Comments

Re: Feeling lonely or isolated in this Thanksgiving holiday??

justbeing — Fri, 03 Jan 2014 00:30:32 -0000

You made some great points in your blog. I enjoyed reading it and I really like the advice that you gave about not focusing on who was right or wrong in the conflict and focusing on moving forward and participating in a positive conversation. great advice and great blog. If you have time check my blog out at http://justbeingablogger.bl...

Re: Self Healing after Emotional Abuse

janet — Sun, 24 Nov 2013 19:11:55 -0000

I personally found that reading a wide assortment of books which you can get out of the library which are free is one step....there is also free counselling......I agree with this article..."trying harder" doesn't work....the result is that it's like a dog chasing its own tail....it is never achieved. I personally don't think I could have achieved my state of wholeness if I had stayed in my marriage. As hard as it was being on my own it was the being on my own with all the anxiety that led me towards myself. In time you will find your strengths and that is to be celebrated!

Re: How to fill our emotional needs in a crisis? with love!

chris — Mon, 28 Oct 2013 01:46:56 -0000

Dear Nora,
Have you done any work with Aspergers/Neurotypical marriages yet? Hubby is passive/agressive, non-emotional that had a non-nurturing mother...so no reading of nonverbal communication. He is getting better at empathy but I'm not sure if he finally gets it or because after 25 years of putting up with his behaviors I told him I was done...I finally stood up for myself and put an end to everything I hated. We went to counceling but councelor advised me to move on...I had endured enough and that it may end up costing me my health as so many other women married to these men do. With 7 children together that wasn't possible...so I've stuck with it and tried to teach him how to modify his behavior to make the relationship more workable for both of us.

Re: How to Handle Verbal Abuse From Friends

Nora Femenia — Tue, 01 Oct 2013 17:01:47 -0000

Yes, it must be hard...makes you feel that you have to be in a competition all the time!

If you can stomach it, I would immediately takes His side, and defend it with the same passion you defended yours....at the least, it will confuse him; at the best, he will understand that you are giving him a spoonful of his own medicine.
Whatever you do, don't give him the pleasure of taking the role of his opponent, that he imagines he can crush: say something silly, like" Oh, how interesting, thanks for explaining that to me" and go do something else. Even doing the dishes can be better than being forced into this contest....

Re: How to Handle Verbal Abuse From Friends

fed up — Tue, 01 Oct 2013 14:39:28 -0000

Sadly this oppositional conversational style is how my husband relates to me. Cant' easily get away from that.

Re: Getting the Cold Shoulder from Your Loved One?

Teresa — Fri, 13 Sep 2013 04:17:21 -0000

Right you are, kc...that's how it is in my house also...

Re: Getting the Cold Shoulder from Your Loved One?

Teresa — Fri, 13 Sep 2013 04:16:08 -0000

"The continued use of this response is necessary to provide the PA person with a steady feedback on the impact of their behaviors…..which should extinguish them, if there is a willingness to change."
And that's the key phrase, isn't it? "IF there is a willingness to change".
Passive Aggressive's don't see the need to change....because YOU are the one with the problem!
I now ignore my husband...just like he ignores me! Yes, I guess most people would say that's wrong....but it's the ONLY way I can protect myself from more hurt!

Re: How to fill our emotional needs in a crisis? with love!

Nora Femenia — Tue, 27 Aug 2013 13:39:30 -0000

Right on, Nancy! there is a life lesson for him to understand now, with his health issues. If you keep cooking food he will not eat, you give him an excuse to focus on attacking you. Only prepare things he is asking for, OK? Even if you know they would be good, his health and what he is doing, is his business...up to this point, I don't see any other way to love him but from afar. It's not horrible, is only giving him room to sort out how he wants to feel now.
Big hug,

Re: How to fill our emotional needs in a crisis? with love!

Nancy Proctor — Tue, 27 Aug 2013 12:06:25 -0000

Stand back and let him do it. Being nice and cordial. That sounds so uncaring and selfish in a serious health crises. But you are right, I need to go back to my Optimism Plus strategies, things to avoid, staying well, and when I really need help. One of the top of things to avoid are these manipulative, put-down games from my husband.

Because it is such a serious health issue, I've turned everything I know on its head, resulting in my growing anxiety and depression. I am also really angry. I see a psychiatrist every two months for meds for my bipolar which was doing really well. She told me, wisely, that people's relalionships and communication patterns don't change in crisis and I should think of therapy just to have someone to talk about this. I think she was right.

The anxiety makes it hard for me to focus on the many volunteer leadership positions I have. Which makes me feel even more incompetent.

Okay. Breathe. Take the dog for a walk. No more than 2 days straight in the house. Go do something fun even thought it is for couples. Don't sit and watch television with him.

and as horrible as it may sound, I am not going to prepare six simple meals for him to help with his metabolism. I was wracking my brain out trying to figure this out since he is so picky. he can figure this one out himself.

Thanks for your advice! and kind words

Re: How to fill our emotional needs in a crisis? with love!

Nora Femenia — Sun, 25 Aug 2013 14:55:16 -0000

Dear Nancy,

you are in a very difficult situation...How can you aspire to be a loving, patient caretaker with this guy? He is scared, trying to retain the only power he knows is left to him, that is making you feel bad about yourself....This is more than silly, it's criminal, because now he needs you!

I would suggest that your first priority is to love yourself. Make sure you eat well, sleep well, and have each day some 30 minutes of loneliness to walk, have a cup of tea in peace or be with yourself.

Meanwhile, recruit him in his own care. As he has done lots of reading, he must know what is that he wants done. Ask him: how do you want me to proceed with this task? Repeat his instructions verbatim, and if asks why, say: "I want to be sure I hear you well, so you don't need to get sarcastic with me, or roll your eyes at my ineptitude, etc"

Let him do the talking with the doctor....only at the last minute, if there is something really important, you can say or ask this question.

Basically: you send him the message: "We are in this crisis, that for you is not a crisis because is the style you do things in life. I will remove my own opinion and let you manage this situation. Just tell me what to do."

Meanwhile, try to nurture yourself: accept the fact that you are scared....but he is the only to decide his own sickness or death; there is nothing you can do. Be nice, attentive, and cordial. When you get exhausted, take your free time, and do something that will nurture you.

If you can get help and pay someone to help with his care, this is the moment....having someone dealing with him will relieve you of the control and put downs.

Remember, he will through this health crisis in the way he wants. You can be with him, but his decisions are running the show. Get to one side and plan what can you do to heal, nurture and calm you.

Good luck!

Re: How to fill our emotional needs in a crisis? with love!

Nancy Proctor — Sat, 24 Aug 2013 12:41:53 -0000

I just finished reading The Silent Marriage. I've been married for more than 45 years to a 'kind' passive agressive husband. I go through times when it drives me crazy and then I can disconnect from the manipulation in a civil way and get involved in things that make me happy. Only a few close friends recognized how manipulative he is because he is so 'nice'.

I thought I had things pretty well okay, until he became sick with a heart problem about six weeks ago. That was when he finally went to the doctor for nose spray! He had been tired (I knew that) with pressure on his Chest (I didn't know) for weeks. We are in crises. Treatment is wait and see, try this med and then maybe we will do this procedure, etc. He is exhausted, fatigues easily, etc. He refuses to talk about his condition and alternative procedures. 'I can ask any questions to the doctor?" . But a day or two before the visit, he will hint that he has been doing a lot of reading too. Yesterday I felt embarrassed by the way he turned away or rolled his eyes or corrected me. I told him that afterwards and then he go really angry. he said I ask the same thing over and over and over again when we do talk about. This is not true or he is just making me self-doubt. I feel so guilty about not being the loving, patient caretaker. We are both intelligent, smart people. This game stuff and language manipulation has gone on forever. How do I deal with this life-threatening crises when he with drawns or makes accusions.

I'm really upset.

Nancy

Re: Getting the Cold Shoulder from Your Loved One?

kc — Tue, 13 Aug 2013 19:35:04 -0000

How many of them are really willing to change? We have a cycle of silence then an explosive argument. I told him I was going to stop arguing because it was ruining the friendship and he started ignoring again.

Re: How to handle Verbal Abuse?

Nora Femenia — Fri, 05 Jul 2013 15:37:58 -0000

Here is more info about going from abused person to resilient person:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0...

Re: How to handle Verbal Abuse?

holly — Fri, 05 Jul 2013 15:28:50 -0000

I like it......wish I had this information a long time ago.

Re: Learn to produce word magic in your relationship!

Terry Graves — Wed, 15 May 2013 09:23:51 -0000

After years of anger at my husband, I read one of the Femenia-Warren books, and it reminded me that one catches more flies with honey. Since reading, I have attempted to speak to my husband in a solely positive and encouraging tone. Things aren't fixed, but they ARE much better.

A caveat: Femenia and Warren warn wives that they cannot fix their husbands. This is very true — and a departure from other manuals that encourage the wife to adopt a therapist's stance. This is a mistake.

Femenia's and Warren's advice will help wives negotiate a better relationship with a passive-aggressive husband, but the husband still needs to be in therapy for himself.

Re: Getting the Cold Shoulder from Your Loved One?

Janet — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 18:27:09 -0000

Another piece I learned recently is that these types of men put up walls by saying things like "we are different/we grew up differently"...all that does is allow him to make himself feel separate and different....henceforth he gets to stay the "victim"...the poor me attitude that everyone is out to get me.....they have no desire to find "common" ground because then they would have realize that you too are a wounded soul and that doesn't fit in their world.

Re: How does a healthy marriage support your purpose in life?

Janet — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 14:37:09 -0000

This article really hit home for me when it said "how much about the other person's life mission? I realize how this wasn't even a topic of conversation decades ago when we got married....not being on the same page then how could each partner support the other in their life mission? Also if you don't really fully know what your mission is or what you desire in life then this will cause problems in the relationship/marriage as it moves along....lack of emotional maturity/life direction results in us picking someone for reasons that won't be able to go the distance....

Re: Is Passive Aggression Harder to Bear at the Holidays?

Nora Femenia — Fri, 21 Dec 2012 12:19:14 -0000

Thanks Joan, it is fixed already...Have wonderful holidays!

Re: Is Passive Aggression Harder to Bear at the Holidays?

Emjo — Fri, 21 Dec 2012 11:51:18 -0000

The link " Learn more now " doesn't work.

Re: Emotional abuse using silence

Quinnlizzie2000 — Thu, 20 Sep 2012 15:31:46 -0000

As a male who has been in an emotionally abusive & sexless marriage for 15 years, I feel that everywhere I look on the web it's the men who abuse, and the women who get abused. Is this because Men do it a lot more, or because men don't talk about it and women do? Not too many men speak out that they are abused. I am trying to get out of the marriage and want support as I do. Are there any places on the web where men can get support from other men in such cases, or even someplace neutral?

Re: 6 INDICATORS OF A LONG-LASTING RELATIONSHIP

Relationshipdj — Thu, 06 Sep 2012 11:56:44 -0000

I used to say that I wouldn't date someone that has
different area code with me then my girl had to move away for school. I am actually finding long
distance relationship work for us. We were boyfriend/girlfriend before she
left now we are engaged to be married

One key important
thing I see that help in our long distance relationship is completely
supporting one another. The biggest thing is to be going through something
while you are away and your partner is not backing you up. We find it so
difficult nowadays for people believe in long distance or difficult for others
to cope with it since they don’t know what to do. We even started our own site
as part of our way to cope with relationship.

We are now engaged to be married at the end of this year. It
has not been a walk in the park however we made it work.

http://relationshipdj.com/o...

Re: When Communications Hurt

Jmbriere — Fri, 17 Aug 2012 23:54:27 -0000

Hi Nora, well my husband has gotten himself a lawyer now and wants to legally end our marriage after 3 1/2 years apart....he says he never intended to hurt me....that he requires closure and that he's sorry....so he still has no desire to heal anything....he's indifferent towards me...it's not about hate for him....but for me I feel a lot of anger/hate towards him becasue he wants to be single...not to be a husband....to have no responsibility.....I don't think he even knows what he's sorry about becasue I believe he has always seen me as the problem....he's tired of me trying to psycho-analyze him....so I told him if he wanted this divorce to be done in a speedy way then he would have to pay my legal bills....he quickly responded to that this morning but doens't respond to any emails that are "emotionally based"....he does not hear me, does not want to hear me....he sees himself as the "intellect"....at times I feel he thinks he's the only intelligent person on the planet and that the rest of us are destroying it.....he needs a piece of paper between us to talk to me....well I won't stand for that....he wants closure but I ask where is mine??? I have lots of questions and I told him via email that I would require answers to them....also that I want him to sign a document I prepare saying he accepts responsibility for the demise of our marriage as he won't work on anything....there is no response to anything except the actual divorce. He wants what he wants but it's not reciprocal....it's like I'm not allowed to have needs....I still see us as a family but I don't think he sees it that way...and he would be happy to never talk to me ever again in this life.....it says to me "you have no value"....but I know it's me looking outside myself for my value....through his eyes....so this is where it sits now.....he says he was visiting his mother for 5 days.....gad the woman who caused all the problems and he's spending more time with her over the past 3 1/2 years than in all the years we were married.....he has to do something good while he's trashing his marriage/family.....and he looks good to his siblings. It's all one big act....he tries to tell me that they have a good relationship....I don't think he has a good relationship with anyone.....because at the root he doesn't do emotional intimacy or compromise. I see him as a child now and it bothers me that he refuses to grow up....when this act is completed I do not see me being able to ever talk with him again....he has shown me total disrespect for 3 1/2 years since he left.....I know this divorce won't give him what he wants and even if it doesn't and his life doesn't improve.....it hasn't over the past 3 1/2 years he will stay he did what he had to do to be "free"....it's an unhealthy obsession.

Re: How to do Marital Fighting Without Anger

Jonathan Trent — Fri, 27 Jul 2012 11:07:49 -0000

This is some very spot on information. When many couples argue I agree that pride and selfishness come into the equation. It is important to step back and calmly communicate. You can solve the disagreement without harming the relationship.

Re: Gratitude makes for happy, healthy families

Jmbriere — Fri, 06 Jul 2012 16:20:51 -0000

Looking back I wish I had implemented this process in our family....to take a timeout and ponder the good parts of the day rather than the negatives which is what most of us do so easily. It is a nice ritual that can unite the members of a family together....it forces you to focus on the good and perhaps in time realize your day had been better than you had thought....there is so much that we unfortunately learn later in life and not when we are in the core years of raising our families. If we weren't raised with the tradition of doing this then we don't naturally gravitate towards it. But I do understand the benefits of the process now. I do think with my passive aggressive husband that it would have been another tradition that he would have pushed against as traditions equal an expectation and that is his core issue...he pushes against patterns and yet he's caught up in the patterns of his past which could be seen as a twisted tradition

Re: Top 5 Indicators of Pent Up Anger

Justin Erickson — Fri, 25 May 2012 21:49:28 -0000

When I was controlled by anger, my wife showed me this website http://ways-to-deal-with-an... The tips are great. Really showed me the person I can be.